


Start something new

by Craftybadger1234



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Don't copy to another site, Experimental Style, Family Issues, Harry Needs a Hug, Homophobia, M/M, Memory Charm | Obliviate (Harry Potter), Weasley Family Bashing (Harry Potter), conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:07:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Craftybadger1234/pseuds/Craftybadger1234
Summary: Harry tells his family he's gay. And it doesn't go over as well as he'd hoped. He tries obliviation style therapy to make it better.It is not better.*I tagged this Mature because it's sad, and thought it could be triggering if you've got family issues. But there are no bad words or sexual content.**Also, it's written in kind of an odd style.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Original Female Character(s), Harry Potter/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 58





	Start something new

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to CleopatraIsMyName for reading this over, even though it was so sad. Your help is ever-appreciated! :)

\--------  
_January_  
\--------

New Year’s Eve was Harry’s favourite time to start something new.

As the time ticked steadily towards midnight, Harry stuck close to Luna, knowing she would be a safe bet for kissing when the party rang in the New Year.

His lips pressed chastely to hers only briefly before she hugged him with greater affection. Across the room, Jack made eye contact with Harry, while embracing his friend Wendy. His smile warmed Harry more than Luna’s ‘special’ hot chocolate ever could.

If things were different, if Harry were braver… would he be able to kiss Jack instead?

Spontaneously he made a private resolution to share his newfound understanding with Ron and Hermione. The time had passed for Harry to live with others’ expectations. 

This new year would be a new beginning, a new era when Harry lived wholly for himself. 

\--------

He agonised over where to tell them. A silly detail, perhaps, but location seemed of vital importance. After much deliberation, he settled on tea at a cafe they’d never been to before several streets over from the Ministry. That way, if it all went pear-shaped, he didn’t ruin a favourite location of theirs.

Even though he knew everything would be fine. They’d been through so much together, how could this one, tiny thing change everything between them? 

“You’re what?” Hermione asked, her face scrunched up in confusion.

“I said, ‘I’m gay,’” Harry repeated quietly, hoping not to attract attention from any of the tables around them.

Ron’s hands gripped his mug until his knuckles turned white. “That’s not - no you’re not!” His face flushed a bright pink, and he leaned precariously back in his chair.

“Yes, I very much am.” Harry held himself tight and still, refusing to show the nervousness inside.

“Harry, you can’t be! You -”

Hermione held her hand out, silencing Ron. “Why are you telling us this? Have you met someone?”

“No, not yet. But I’m hoping to soon. And… I wanted you to know so it wouldn’t be such a surprise when I do.”

Ron tilted his head, examining Harry with narrowed eyes. The evaluation stung, as did Hermione’s shiver. They shared a glance and sighed, then turned to Harry with tight smiles.

“Well, thank you for letting us know.” Hermione spoke in her usual brisk tone, but Harry’s jittery brain interpreted it as something much harsher.

“It’s not - I mean, I’m still the same as I was before. I just won’t be dating any witches.”

“Or wizards,” Ron added. “It’s super rare in the magical world to find… gay wizards.” He stumbled a bit on the last, as if saying ‘gay’ out loud would set off alarms somewhere.

Could that be true? Jack from Luna’s party was a wizard, and dropped hints heavy enough for even Harry to pick up. And once or twice he’d gotten a _look_ that made his heart flutter. It seemed more likely to him that gay wizards _did_ exist, but Ron had no reason to know that.

“Okay,” Harry said. “Well, still… this is what it is.” He nodded decisively, feeling good about opening up, even if the reception hadn’t been as warm as he’d hoped. 

“We still love you,” Hermione said in her even, no-nonsense way. Ron nodded and took her hand. 

Not great, but not awful either. He’d discover how they really felt about it in time.

\--------  
_February_  
\--------

Molly and Arthur didn’t take it so well. “Oh Harry, love, you just haven’t met the right girl yet.”

A series of surprise blind dates at Sunday lunch ended when Harry brought Jack along with him. Tension thick enough to slice settled over the sitting room when they rolled through the floo. Molly blinked rapidly, while Arthur’s face reddened to a hue to match Ron’s.

“Harry, how nice to see you. Would you introduce your - friend?”

“Everyone, this is Jack. Jack, meet Mr and Mrs Weasley. Ron and Hermione you may have met at Luna’s party last month. This is Bill and his wife Fleur. The baby is Victoire.”

“Hullo everyone,” Jack said with a cheery wave. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Harry speaks highly of all of you.”

“Oh?” Molly said. “He hasn’t mentioned you at all. Harry, could you help me with the roast?”

Jack gave Harry an encouraging smile and gently guided him towards the kitchen, then found himself a seat on the end of the sofa. Although they stared in shocked silence, Harry had no choice but to follow Molly to the kitchen.

“I wasn’t aware you were bringing a guest, Harry,” Molly said in chiding tones. 

“You’ve always said the more, the merrier. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“Well I do.” Molly flicked her wand at the oven and a roast floated out, browned to perfection in a bed of potatoes and carrots. “Harry, we love you. You have to know that. But all of this…” She sighed heavily and rested a hand on her hip. “Harry, magical blood is precious and rare enough. This sort of behaviour… it doesn’t lead to more magical children. Do you understand?”

“I’m sure the magical world isn’t going to collapse just because a few wizards aren’t fathering children.”

“No, of course not. But… you’re the last of your line. The last of your parents. Don’t you want to pass on a piece of Lily and James?”

Her words sliced straight to Harry’s core. “Of course I do. I want a family and children. All of that. But growing up as I did… I learned the hard way it’s not blood that makes you family.”

“No,” she said softly, “I don’t suppose it is.” She caressed his face and tucked a stray curl behind his ear, even though it popped right out again. “We didn’t… handle Percy’s coming out very well at all.”

Harry reeled from this new information. Surely Ron didn’t know Percy was also gay, or he would have told Harry. Right? 

Molly sniffed. “The war and all the tension at the Ministry drove the wedge deeper before we knew it. But then we lost Fred… and it seemed such a small thing to be angry over. We’re trying, Harry, we truly are. It’ll just take some time.”

“Okay,” Harry said. “I understand. Just… no more witches, all right?”

“No, no more witches. But perhaps… give us a little warning next time.”

\--------  
_March_  
\--------

It was the absent-minded way they ‘forgot’ to include Jack in their plans...

It was the curious way they stared when Jack held Harry’s hand...

It was the morbid fascination when Jack gave him a peck on the lips in hello...

It was the subtle, probing questions about their private, shared intimacies...

It was the barely concealed relief in their faces when Jack and Harry parted ways...

… that led Harry to think he’d be better off not sharing so much of himself with them.

\--------  
_April_  
\--------

Caleb loved quidditch.

Caleb loved cooking dinner together, and impromptu foot rubs.

Caleb loved late-night walks in the park.

Caleb loved slow kisses on the covered balcony, listening to the rain fall.

Caleb loved a lazy lie-in on a Saturday morning.

Caleb loved every minute he spent with Harry.

\--------  
_May_  
\--------

Caleb hated the Weasley quidditch games Harry couldn’t invite him to.

Caleb hated the Ministry dinners Harry attended without a ‘plus one’.

Caleb hated Harry’s late nights out with Ron.

Caleb hated apparating home from the covered balcony, so no one would see him leave.

Caleb hated eating a lonely Sunday lunch while Harry ate at the Burrow.

Caleb hated every minute Harry made him spend hidden and alone.

\--------  
_June_  
\--------

His first instinct was to bin the entire sheaf of fliers. The biggest disadvantage to having an owl box instead of a personal owl was the prevalence of junk post that not even wizards could escape. He didn’t need discount priced brooms, or coupons for the Leaky, or extended credit from Gringotts, or care who was running for matron of whatever charity.

But an ad for conversion therapy caught his eye. 

A magical mind healer that had success stamping out unsavoury behaviours in muggles was expanding his practice to include the magical world as well. He promised to cure benign conditions like a fear of heights and claustrophobia. But also serious conditions like drug and alcohol addictions, kleptomania, and sexual deviance.

Harry tucked the flier in his pocket and binned the rest.

\--------

“Obliviation?” Harry asked, staring down at the shiny pamphlet in his hand.

“It’s really very simple and relatively painless,” Healer Wilbert explained patiently. “With the muggles, I claimed it was hypnosis, but I can be honest with the magical community. We’ll work together to isolate the feelings and thoughts associated with your issue and carefully slice them away to reveal a fresh, new you without the cravings.”

“It sounds too good to be true.”

“Think of it like sanding an old table so the surface is smooth and even once again.”

“I’m just… not sure about this.” The pamphlet promised happiness and a bright new future. Could Harry really have that? If he didn’t have this _thing_ hanging over him, soiling his relationship with his adopted family, could he be happier?

“Why not give it a few sessions? We’ll sign a confidentiality agreement, and there’s a small down payment. If you decide not to move forward with the procedure, you can cancel at any time.”

“I suppose a few sessions wouldn’t hurt. Just to learn more.”

\--------  
_July_  
\-------

Harry woke and immediately groaned at the bright light cutting straight through his eyes to sear his brain. He curled into a tight ball, shielding himself. 

“It’s all right, Mr Potter. Just breathe. There you are. In and out. Very good.” 

A hand landed on Harry’s arm and rubbed soothingly up and down. “Why’s it so bright in here?”

“It isn’t. Your eyes are overly sensitive. Give it a few minutes and they’ll adjust.”

Harry blinked rapidly until his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. “Why do I hurt everywhere?”

“It’s not real. Breathe deeply again. In… and out… A few more.”

As he continued breathing, his aches and pains began to resolve themselves. Harry sat up on the sofa and looked around the darkened office. “Healer Wilbert?”

“That’s right. Do you remember why you came to see me?”

“I - I needed help. You helped me?”

“Very good. Can you stand up?” Healer Wilbert helped Harry to his feet and they began a slow circuit of the room. He sat Harry back down and handed him a glass of water. 

“Why do I feel like my insides have been scraped out?”

“That’s what many patients report. The feeling should fade over the next week as you fill your memories with new experiences. Take care to pursue activities in line with your new and better self.”

“My new and better self,” Harry echoed.

What, exactly, would he be like?

\--------  
_August_  
\--------

He wasn’t depressed, it was just too hot outside to do anything.

He wasn’t depressed, it was the dead plants on his covered balcony that upset him.

He wasn’t depressed, it was just a work assignment that kept him from pub night.

He wasn’t depressed, it was his neighbour’s loud music keeping him up half the night.

He wasn’t depressed, it was that he had a big breakfast and didn’t really need lunch or dinner.

He was fine, he was fine, he was fine, he was fine, he was fine.

So please, stop asking.

\--------  
_September_  
\--------

“So what’s her name?” Hermione asked, leaning in eagerly to catch every detail.

Harry smiled feebly at her excitement. “Erm… Dana. Honestly, I didn’t even notice her at first. But we both reached for the last packet of Hobnobs at the same time and… I don’t know, next thing I know she’s inviting me for coffee.”

“Oh Harry, this is so exciting!” She enveloped him in a warm hug, trembling with excited giggles.

“It’s just coffee.”

First it was coffee. Then it was dinner dates. Films. Walks in the park. A late night looking for shooting stars. Lunch with the Weasleys.

\--------  
_October_  
\--------

Dana loved quidditch, and sometimes brought her brother David along to fly.

Dana loved cooking dinner together, and didn’t mind when Harry invited David along too.

Dana loved late-night walks in the park, and laughed when they accidentally stumbled into David.

Dana wanted slow kisses on the covered balcony, listening to the rain fall.

Dana wanted a lazy lie-in on a Saturday morning.

Harry wanted David.

\--------  
_November_  
\--------

Harry took his coffee from the smiling barista and joined Ron and Hermione at a table so small it barely fit their three mugs and two plates of scones.

“I’m so sorry it didn’t work out with you and Dana,” Hermione said.

“It’s all right. She was really nice… she just didn’t have… I don’t know. A spark? But it was fun while it lasted.”

Ron sipped his tea and gestured with his cup. “If you’re looking for a new witch, George said Verity’s sister’s a catch.”

“Yeah… thanks but…” Harry’s eye followed a couple leaving the cafe, then darted away when the bloke made eye contact. He cleared his throat. “I don’t know that I’m ready for something else right now.”

“Oh Harry, we just worry about you.” Hermione squeezed his hand with a sympathetic smile. “I hate thinking of you alone in your flat.”

“Give me a few days to mend my broken heart. We’ll see after that.”

Mending his broken heart involved copious scoops of ice cream over slices of cake, accompanied by cup after cup of gently sweetened tea in the cafe around the corner from his flat. And if he happened to make occasional small talk with Jonah, that was just a bonus.

Every so often Jonah walked Harry back to his flat. Once or twice they went flying. And when Harry fell ill, Jonah dropped off some chicken noodle soup.

Harry didn’t like soup. But somehow it worked like magic to cheer him up.

\--------  
_December_  
\--------

After so many months of a vast, grey nothingness everywhere he went, Harry couldn’t help but notice the little things that dropped splashes of colour into his life.

Sometimes Jonah’s smile quirked at just the right angle. Sometimes his neighbour Lucas let Harry pet his crup, and their hands would brush in her fur. Sometimes he’d get a wink and a nod from a cyclist as he passed on the pavement. Sometimes a magazine ad would stick in his mind, long after the product slipped his mind. 

Sometimes he dreamed.

Of another man helping him cook dinner. Of a deep voice singing in the shower. Of strong hands grasping his hips. Of whisker burns across his thighs. Of a hard chest pressed to his.

Would it be so terrible if he explored it a little more? He’d already lived so much of his life under the expectations of others. Surely he could pursue this one thing?

He felt right and whole for the first time in months. New Year’s Eve was coming up. As usual he would be at Luna’s party. Maybe that would be a good time to tell Ron and Hermione.

New Year’s Eve was Harry’s favourite time to start something new.


End file.
